Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
