You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
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In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
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My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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