Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
