I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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