My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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