why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
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