It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Are we still banned from the library?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
