the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
