The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
