I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
