Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
This is the high leading the old right now
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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