Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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