Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
