I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
