Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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