Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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