I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
