She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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