Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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