i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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