I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
