so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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