Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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