I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I touched a dick in church today
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
