I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
