my phone needs a breathalizer
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
