He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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