My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
