now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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