Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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