I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
