Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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