i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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