I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
