Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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