Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
