This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
