just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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