The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
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Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
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The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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