Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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