just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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