Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
