I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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