im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
