I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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