I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
