Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
