Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
