my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
