We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
