Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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