The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
We had to coat check the pizza.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize