she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
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He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
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The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
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