i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My ass is underappreciated
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
