Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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