I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
